Dealing with Grace

How do you politely refuse gifts? In America, we do it secretly. “Oh, thanks so much” and then we make a holiday of the day after the holiday, taking all the crap we got from our families back to the store. I also sincerely appreciate my sister’s skill of “re-gifting” where she gives her precious crap to others, passing on the things she doesn’t want. My host family really wants me to be happy. They want very much to give me things, the problem is, I don’t want them, and while in America I would just accept them graciously, here I really don’t want them but the word “no” does not mean very much to a Moroccan who wants to do you a favor. Prime example; my host mom has been buying me clothes from some Moroccan second hand store- like Good Will but quite possibly a lot sketchier. I wear some of the stuff she gets for me, a long sleeve T, the pajamas, (still haven’t broken in the sequined “Princess” shirt), but the thing is, I don’t want Moroccan second hand clothes. I have so many old clothes in America, I could start my own Moroccan Good Will. And, I was already planning on leaving some of my now overly worn stuff here, to make more room in my suitcase for stuff I do want to take home. So now what do I do with this stuff? Each time my mom presents me with something new I try to express sincere gratitude, but I also always tell her, “really, please, you don’t need to do this.” But she always just says that I’m just like her daughter and that it’s all good. Yet, while I know that nothing she gets me is going to put this family into severe debt, I don’t feel good accepting gifts when a. I don’t want them and b. the family could use the money for other things.
It’s tiring too, because “no” does not exist in this world of beneficence. I got into a semi-heated scene with my family the other day about it. My family does this thing sometimes where if they have something they don’t really want to give me, they kind of try to hide it so it doesn’t look like they don’t want to share. It sounds worse than it is, mostly it’s just my sister- if she has some candy or something and I see it she automatically gives it to me. Actually she automatically forces me to take it even after my insisting that I in no way shape or form want it. So that’s what happened, Miriam came home from school in the afternoon with an ice cream cone she had bought and as soon as she realized I had seen it she somewhat reluctantly handed it off to me. I refused to take it and the whole family was in an uproar. Eventually, she left to go get me another ice-cream cone. I was absolutely furious because they would not accept me saying that I didn’t want it. I used every way of Arabic I knew how (which, granted, is not that many) to say that I did not want ice cream, I was incapable of eating ice cream right now, it was not possible for me to have the ice cream, it would be a big problem if they got me ice cream, etc. etc. I said that in my culture, if I say “no, thank you,” it means “I don’t want this.” My host mom replied, “In Morocco, if you say no, it means we will give it to you anyway.” I said, “But this is really important in my culture!” She got me with, “But you are in Morocco now.” My host sister returned and I was handed an ice cream cone, and I had no choice but to eat it begrudgingly, somewhat frightened at the fact that I had no control over not accepting things from these people. After the episode, my host mom came up to my room and apologized to me. I thanked her for the ice cream, apologized for my attitude and we agreed that in the future, “no, thank you” would mean “no.” Yesterday, she bought me a new pair of second hand pants.
I was talking to my gender studies professor about this, and she reminded me that I was here to learn about Moroccan culture, and that I should try to adapt. Which, I know was a needed reminder, but I also don’t like how I can be showered with gifts no problem, but they still wont take ANYTHING from me. I tried to get my host mom to use some of my lotion the other day and she absolutely refused. There was more yelling involved and I ended up leaving it in the flower pot where she keeps small packages of Kleenex. It’s hard to be the sole beneficiary of gifts and still feel like it is a show of love. I understand more than ever how difficult it can be to be gracious, it is all I want to be toward these wonderful people, but often there love is just very frustrating!!