How to spend my time?

Meine gute Schwester and I were skyping the other day and marveling at our good fortune. I am officially done with all Fulbright orientations, getting acquainted programming stuff, and now, here I am to do… eh? I have yet to start actually teaching, this happens.. in the future in shah allah, and my own Arabic classes don’t start until October 2nd. I have to check in with the Fulbright office as they help me get my residency permit, and for the annual Thanksgiving abroad feast; I have to compose some sort of “midterm progress report” for my language study (anticipated length: one page) and other than that, I have to teach twelve hours a week and am encouraged to get involved in community service. So, basically, last year, I said, I want to live in another country, and the U.S. government said, ok you can do that for free. Here is some money. WHO DOES THAT HAPPEN TO?! and now, I’m having a minor internal crisis, because for the first time, I am not being held accountable. No one is grading me, watching over me, holding my hand or ensuring that I accomplish x,y, z, which I know I can do. I feel I have successfully met the standards of Randy and Sara Compton, Ames High School, Lawrence University, Sierra Service Project, the Appleton YMCA, etc. etc., but now I have to face the toughest judge and the most competitive field: myself. And what if, at the end of 10 months, the Fulbright commission says, thanks ma’salaam, and the Jennifer board says, you didn’t do enough? This is my greatest fear, and why I spent an hour today e-mailing every NGO I could google asking if they wanted another volunteer. What should I do here? How should I make my mark? Who should I talk to? What things should I try to get involved with? And how long should I wait to start jumping in? The director of the commission said to be patient, meet people, let yourself get settled. But I only have ten months! Precious seconds of cultural exchange and global interaction are being wasted! When signing our lease, I asked my landlady how I could meet the other families in our apartment. She smiled and said oh, just wait til you see them in the hall. There goes my plan to make everyone some tasty Midwestern bars and ring their doorbell. Relationships come naturally; jobs and opportunities are found through networking, not stalking internet posts. But what if I’m not good at that? What if my relational skills do not meet my own expectations? Where is the measure? How do I know if I have enough Jordanian friends, if I have logged enough volunteer hours? How do I know if this experience has made a big enough impact on me and in my life? How do I know what difference I can make for others? Personal relations and self fulfillment should really have a rubric.

On that note, if there was a rubric, I would mark the “satisfactory” box for neighbor relations. I have now met two other residents of our apartment building. Today, our elderly neighbor across the hall invited us in for coffee. We met her young grandson, who proudly showed us his English homework, and after a brief exchange of niceties and Nescafe, we were on our way. Next step, casserole/cookie exchange. We also know the family who owns the building and lives on the first floor. They have a very nice young doctor son who offered to help me carry groceries and also happens to be easy on the eyes which really does not hurt my desire to be neighborly.